The beauty of Queer is that it can have a plethora of meanings to a
diversity of individuals. Personally, just existing as Queer is an embodiment
of defiance and resilience. My Queerness is hard fought and highly valued. As a nonbinary person, I have had to (and
continue to) carve that path myself. My
Queerness is both personal and political.
Being Queer means not being beholden to societal restrictions and having the freedom to
change – reflecting on who I am, who I want to be, and moving closer to my
ideal. I refuse to live according to cis
het norms. But I was not always
empowered in my Queerness.
Even before I knew that I was Queer, I knew that I was
different. I was an awkward, blushing,
freckled redhead with a rat tail and an obliviousness of conventional norms. I vividly remember my mom videotaping in the
park, calling “Hey, little boy” to me, and emphatically disagreeing because I was confused and afraid it was
a trick. Even though my parents tolerated
my tomboy expression and active
bucking of gender stereotypes, expectations became increasingly restrictive as I aged. I was raised in a military family,
which meant an environment where Queer slurs were pervasive. As a budding Queer, it sent a clear message that being anything but
heterosexual was not acceptable – not to even think about anything but
cisgender! The experiences of my youth deeply
suppressed my understanding and acceptance of being Queer.
As a teenager and young adult, being Queer meant never quite fitting in. At worse, it meant feeling confused, misunderstood,
and isolated. I rarely felt seen
and I did not have the language to tell others who I was. However, I did become comfortable with being
different and alone. At best, it helped to
bolster my self-awareness and self-reliance.
While I appreciate the
freedom and independence that comes with being Queer, it can also been a lonely
journey. At times I have felt like an
outsider even within LGBTQ spaces. When
I learned about the nonbinary community, I finally felt that I had found a
language for myself and people with shared experiences.
My Queerness extends beyond myself; it is about who I am with those
in my life. It is community and
partnerships, specifically mentorship, collaboration, and love. The last being
the most challenging. Mentorship and collaboration
come naturally to me. I work to surround myself with people from different
experiences but who all see and appreciate me, as I do them. Meeting a partner is something that has been
easier to dismiss. Perhaps I have
internalized the narrative that it is harder to find a partner who will accept
someone like me. When I came out, it was
not because I met someone (as some assume) or that I even thought I would find
someone - I just wanted to be me. I was more
than okay with being single, as long as it meant living my life openly and
proudly. Despite these real and anticipated barriers, I did meet someone.
I am a skeptical optimist; I hope for the best but prepare for the
worst - it is the conundrum of
an overthinker. Despite many lovely Queer
couples in my life, I never dared hope that I would meet someone who saw me completely
and wanted me for all that I was – past, present, and unknown changing future. That was until I met my person. We met a week before I was to (finally) have
top surgery – something that was imperative
for me despite anticipating it would increase other’s confusion about my
gender and possibly lessen their attraction to my body. Serendipitously, he had top surgery just
months prior and was an invaluable support through the process. An unprecedented understanding of gender and
bodies developed between us. Uncharacteristically,
I felt myself leaning into the energetic emotions that were welling up. I knew this was something exceptional. When we embrace and our scars align, I feel
more connected than I have ever before.
I am finally in a place where I am the version of myself that I am proud
to be and comfortable with sharing. This
love, this Queer love, is beautiful and messy and radical and has forever
changed me.
My Queerness
is one of the many worthy parts of me.
Love,
respect, and solidarity,
Killian
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